Compare Plans
Here's a fictional scenario to illustrate our three levels of service. Jack and Jill were divorced three years ago. Because of his alcoholism and a mental health crisis at the time, Jill was awarded sole custody of their two children. Lately, Jack's mental health has been stabilizing. He has secured steady employment, has a stable relationship with his girlfriend, and the children look forward to and enjoy their weekends and extended holidays with him. The following is the text of an email Jack sends Jill, with samples below of the support Jill would receive under each of our plans.
From: jackinthebox@gmail.com
To: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
Subject: Big Plans this Summer
You and I both know that the parenting order is unfair. You had your family helping you and you got the dirtiest scumbag lawyer in town. If you’d been there in court you would have seen how he treated me and the lies he told. He was evil, evil, evil, AND HE WAS WORKING FOR YOU! And here I was, having to represent myself. It’s a travesty what your lawyer and your family have done to me. And here I thought you would never be part of anything underhanded. Just goes to show how you can misjudge people, doesn’t it.
Anyway, the parenting order does not give me nearly enough time with the kids in the summer. Seriously! You have them all year round and I only get them for 1 week in June and 1 in July. That’s crazy unfair and you know it. But the courts are systematically prejudiced against dads. So we know where that’s coming from.
Well, it’s not right and I’m not going to stand for it. Last weekend, while the kids were here, my girlfriend got word through her travel agency of a special, last minute deal touring California theme parks at an unbelievable price. We’ll spend three days each at SeaWorld, Disneyland, Safari Park and Universal Studios. The kids cried for joy when I told them about it.
The tickets are non-refundable and they’re booked for the last two weeks of July. Susie was worried you might say no to the extra week. Johnny said it’s not fair that you get more time with them in the summer than I do, and if you say no to this, he’s going to run away and live with me. The kids need to be able to count on it, so I told them not to worry. It’s going to happen. Period.
So, be advised that I’ll be taking the kids to California July 17-31. We also have big plans for June 26-July 2nd. Thanks.
Filtering:
Jack's email skips Jill's inbox and automatically forwards to Ceasefire Communication. We send her the following filtered version, and she replies to Jack as she sees fit:
From: filter@ceasefirecommunication.ca
To: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
Subject: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
message edited
- - -
Jack expresses frustration with the parenting order and says it doesn’t give him enough time with the kids in the summer.
"Last weekend, while the kids were here, my girlfriend got word through her travel agency of a special, last minute deal touring California theme parks at an unbelievable price. We’ll spend three days each at SeaWorld, Disneyland, Safari Park and Universal Studios. The kids cried for joy when I told them about it.
"The tickets are non-refundable and they’re booked for the last two weeks of July."
He claims Johnny plans to go live with him if you don’t give permission. He has promised the kids to take them no matter what.
"So, be advised that I’ll be taking the kids to California July 17-31. We also have big plans for June 26-July 2nd. Thanks."
Full Package:
Jack's email skips Jill's inbox and automatically forwards to Ceasefire Communication. We send her the following filtered version, plus coaching as follows:
From: filter@ceasefirecommunication.ca
To: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
Subject: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
message edited
- - -
Jack expresses frustration with the parenting order and says it doesn’t give him enough time with the kids in the summer.
"Last weekend, while the kids were here, my girlfriend got word through her travel agency of a special, last minute deal touring California theme parks at an unbelievable price. We’ll spend three days each at SeaWorld, Disneyland, Safari Park and Universal Studios. The kids cried for joy when I told them about it.
"The tickets are non-refundable and they’re booked for the last two weeks of July."
He claims Johnny plans to go live with him if you don’t give permission. He has promised the kids to take them no matter what.
"So, be advised that I’ll be taking the kids to California July 17-31. We also have big plans for June 26-July 2nd. Thanks."
- - -
Tips:
1. Take a minute. Check in with your body and your emotions. What are you feeling? Don't worry about what you're thinking right now. Look for raw emotion, like anger, fear, frustration. This list might help.
2. Give yourself some compassion for the emotions you're feeling. Then, thank your emotions for the information they are giving you.
3. Ask yourself: "What are the basic human needs I have, that this situation is not meeting?" This is not what you need him to do or not do. This is generic needs (see this list for ideas). IMPORTANT: write down your needs.
4. Ask yourself: "What are the basic human needs my children have in this situation." Write these needs down. Remember, your needs and your children's needs are non-negotiables. What you're going to work on is finding a way to meet these needs, not compromising them away.
5. Ask yourself, "What is my co-parent feeling? And what might be his/her basic human needs that are not being met in this situation?" You're only guessing, here. But it might help to think about what your feelings and needs might be in the same situation.
6. Take some deep breaths. When you're ready, consider sending a message that invites your co-parent to problem-solve with you. You can start by validating his/her basic human needs, such as saying, "It sounds like you're feeling ________ because the current situation is not meeting your need for _________."
7. Follow up by expressing the emotion you're feeling and your needs and the children's needs that are not being met.
8. Ask your co-parent if they're willing to look for solutions with you that could meet everybody's needs.
Jill replies to us:
To: filter@ceasefirecommunication.ca
From: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
Okay. Wow. I can do this. Still feeling pretty triggered, but I've followed the steps. How's this?
"It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated with summer access. Am I right in understanding that you're feeling a need for more connection with the kids and maybe more security about your place in their lives?
I would like for us to figure out a way that your needs can be met, as well as mine. Unfortunately, you've created an impossible situation by making plans with the kids for vacation behind my back. You just put them in the middle of a battle between the two of us and you tried to undermine their relationship with me. You had no right to do that. It denies my need for security and respect, and their need for emotional safety. And I can't negotiate with you after you pulled a stunt like that. So, taking the kids for two weeks this July is out of the question. Maybe, if you apologize to them and pay attention to our needs as well, we can talk about next summer's access.
Also, just a warning. If you don't bring the kids home, as previously planned, by 10 am on July 24, I will call the police and you will be charged with abduction."
We reply to Jill:
To: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
From: filter@ceasefirecommunication.ca
Subject: Re: Re: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
Congratulate yourself on an excellent beginning.
His email is pretty triggering and the rest of your response has content we would filter out if it was going to you. Communication Tips will give you some tips for fixing that. Check the section on Blaming for yellow, Assumptions for green, Punishing for blue, Dictating for purple, and Threats for red.
You might consider just sending the first paragraph today, because when he knows you're seeing his needs, he might start to soften to the point where he can be more receptive to yours.
Then, maybe you could give yourself some tender loving care tonight and review Communication Tips, and maybe look at it again with fresh eyes in the morning.
. . .
"It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated with summer access. Am I right in understanding that you're feeling a need for more connection with the kids and maybe more security about your place in their lives?
I would like for us to figure out a way that your needs can be met, as well as mine. Unfortunately, you've created an impossible situation by making plans with the kids for vacation behind my back. You just put them in the middle of a battle between the two of us and you tried to undermine their relationship with me. You had no right to do that. It denies my need for security and respect, and their need for emotional safety. And I can't negotiate with you after you pulled a stunt like that. So, taking the kids for two weeks this July is out of the question. Maybe, if you apologize to them and pay attention to our needs as well, we can talk about next summer's access.
Also, just a warning. If you don't bring the kids home, as previously planned, by 10 am on July 24, I will call the police and you will be charged with abduction."
Basic Coaching
Jill receives Jack's original, unfiltered email and forwards to us for help. We send her some tips. She runs her draft reply by us and gets additional coaching.
To: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
From: filter@ceasefirecommunication.ca
Subject: Re: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
Tips:
1. Take a minute. Check in with your body and your emotions. What are you feeling? Don't worry about what you're thinking right now. Look for raw emotion, like anger, fear, frustration. This list might help.
2. Give yourself some compassion for the emotions you're feeling. Then, thank your emotions for the information they are giving you.
3. Ask yourself: "What are the basic human needs I have, that this situation is not meeting?" This is not what you need him to do or not do. This is generic needs (see this list for ideas). IMPORTANT: write down your needs.
4. Ask yourself: "What are the basic human needs my children have in this situation." Write these needs down. Remember, your needs and your children's needs are non-negotiables. What you're going to work on is finding a way to meet these needs, not compromising them away.
5. Ask yourself, "What is my co-parent feeling? And what might be his/her basic human needs that are not being met in this situation?" You're only guessing, here. But it might help to think about what your feelings and needs might be in the same situation.
6. Take some deep breaths. When you're ready, consider sending a message that invites your co-parent to problem-solve with you. You can start by validating his/her basic human needs, such as saying, "It sounds like you're feeling ________ because the current situation is not meeting your need for _________."
7. Follow up by expressing the emotion you're feeling and your needs and the children's needs that are not being met.
8. Ask your co-parent if they're willing to look for solutions with you that could meet everybody's needs.
Jill replies to us:
To: filter@ceaserfirecommunication.ca
From: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
Okay. I can't say I'm not mad, but here's how I think I should respond:
"Hi Jack.
It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated with summer access. Am I right in understanding that you're feeling a need for more connection with the kids and maybe more security about your place in their lives?
I would like for us to figure out a way that your needs can be met, as well as mine. Right now, I'm feeling really frustrated and angry that you told the kids about the trip without consulting me first. I feel a need for respect and security in my relationship with the kids. But I also feel like the kids have a need for predictability and not to be torn between their parents. So I'm not going to fight you on this. But I would like to ask that next time, you check with me first and we can come up with a solution that meets both our needs, before talking to the kids?"
We respond to Jill:
To: jillwentupthehill@gmail.com
From: filter@ceasefirecommunication.ca
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Big Plans This Summer
Your beginning is excellent. You've identified his feelings and possible needs, shown that you want a win-win solution, and identified your feelings and unmet needs. But the fact that you are still feeling mad indicates that the solution you're offering is not meeting your needs. Your needs are not negotiable. Consider sending just the part where you check on his needs first and waiting for his response. When you've got confirmation that you're understanding his needs, you could send the part where you identify your unmet needs. Then maybe give him a chance to try and come up with some ideas for how your needs could be met.